020;

hi mark, i'm sorry for any confusion i've caused, and it never was my intention to lead you on or anything because i'm pretty sure i said a couple of times that i'm not ready. before you ever contacted me i was more or less completely focused on myself, and healing. or improving. even if it was/is challenging. i never expected anything by the way. i was unintentionally using the site for fun, completely passively. it probably wasn't wise to keep talking to you knowing where i'm at but then it got to the point where i didn't want to not. yes, i want something eventually - and it was as if everything was telling me to just go with it right now this time because i rarely ever do. and the times that i have, i have learnt from which made it seem like a good idea. i was actually trying to slow things down though - since the past couple of weeks i think, but unsuccessfully!!! i've tried to be as open and honest as i can be, i guess i should have kept my conflicted feelings to myself for now but i also felt the need to be transparent about them too. i realise now how i was saying that i'm not prepared/ready yet but then i also asked you what you were doing to make plans to meet. maybe because i was anticipating the worst, that you'd move on without us ever having the chance to meet. because truthfully i do want to, and i think it will be a really good thing (i'm sure i've said that before too) and i just didn't want to miss that opportunity because i know i deserve to be happy despite what i've been told. it's nice to know you rly do/did want to meet. i have not come across anyone that makes me want to be the best i can be, not to this extent or as deeply. but then i have never been in this place before either. i was also thinking i'm ready and tried to make that opportuninty happen at one point before realising it's not a great idea to meet quite yet. because i was thinking meeting just to meet and meeting sooner rather than later would be good. part of me also thinks that even if i'm not ready i should do it anyway because i want to. i'm not all over the place as i may seem, i know what i want it's just i'm not quite able to have it ???yet

i'm just in the process of sorting myself out though. and it does take time, as you've even said. even though i've come a long way it's like i really don't know how long it will take till i am ready - that really frustrates and annoys me. today in fact, i started crying when i was practising mindfulness meditation/visualisation which has never happened before. so i'm not even sure whether i'm moving forwards, whether it's a good or bad thing or not. it's not that i don't know what i want, it's just that i've probably been an idiot trying to rush and make myself ready/wanting to do this when i'm not ready yet. you're right about it not being fair though on either of us if we did meet right now though. i just wanted to go with it and i did want to spend some time and see what happened instead of not doing anything about it. but i know now that i'm rushing myself and it sort of created a conflict within me.




i hope that has helped, if i could make it any clearer than that let me know. hope to hear from you soon, though i'm pretty sure i've messed it up. and it's understandable if not - i hope you find what you're looking for :) x

20; for M

hi mark, i'm sorry for any confusion i've caused, and it never was my intention to lead you on or anything because i'm pretty sure i said a couple of times that i'm not ready. before you ever contacted me i was more or less completely focused on myself, and healing. or improving. even if it was/is challenging. i never expected anything by the way. i was unintentionally using the site for fun, completely passively. it probably wasn't wise to keep talking to you knowing where i'm at but then it got to the point where i didn't want to not. yes, i want something eventually - and it was as if everything was telling me to just go with it right now this time because i rarely ever do. and the times that i have, i have learnt from which made it seem like a good idea. i was actually trying to slow things down though - since the past couple of weeks i think, but unsuccessfully!!! i've tried to be as open and honest as i can be, i guess i should have kept my conflicted feelings to myself for now but i also felt the need to be transparent about them too. i realise now how i was saying that i'm not prepared/ready yet but then i also asked you what you were doing to make plans to meet. maybe because i was anticipating the worst, that you'd move on without us ever having the chance to meet. because truthfully i do want to, and i think it will be a really good thing (i'm sure i've said that before too) and i just didn't want to miss that opportunity because i know i deserve to be happy despite what i've been told. it's nice to know you rly do/did want to meet. i have not come across anyone that makes me want to be the best i can be, not to this extent or as deeply. but then i have never been in this place before either. i was also thinking i'm ready and tried to make that opportuninty happen at one point before realising it's not a great idea to meet quite yet. because i was thinking meeting just to meet and meeting soon would be good. part of me also thinks that even if i'm not ready i should do it anyway because i want to. i'm not all over the place as i may seem, i know what i want it's just i'm not quite able to have it ???yet
i'm just in the process of sorting myself out though. and it does take time, as you've even said. even though i've come a long way it's like i really don't know how long it will take till i am ready - that really frustrates and annoys me. today in fact, i started crying when i was practising mindfulness meditation/visualisation which has never happened before. so i'm not even sure whether i'm moving forwards, whether it's a good or bad thing or not.

i hope that has helped. hope to hear from you soon, though i'm pretty sure i've messed it up. and it's understandable if not - i hope you find what you're looking for :) x

019; You can't trust your feelings.

Although we would all like to trust our feelings, they are not a good guide for the ways things really are. They are often fickle and irrational – and not an accurate measure of reality. As you’ve probably discovered:

1. Feelings vary depending on our health. If we’re sick we often feel despondent and blah.
2. Feelings vary depending on our hormones – which is why doctors recognize and treat PMS.
3. Feelings vary depending on events and the changing circumstances of our life. If things are going wrong, or we’re highly stressed, we feel inadequate and overwhelmed.
4. Feelings are affected by relationships. If we fall in love we feel happy and elated; if a relationship breaks up we feel rejected and depressed.
5. Feelings vary depending on the weather. If it’s sunny we feel happy and optimistic; if it’s cloudy and grey, we feel morose and negative.
6. Feelings can depend on the way we’re being treated. If someone in a store is rude to us, we may react with anger, or even feel ashamed.
7. Feelings are affected by our actions at the time. If we do something kind we feel good about ourselves; and if we’ve hurt someone’s feelings we may feel some regret. So don’t react and respond based on feelings alone. Always use your mind as well – and check your thoughts are accurate.

018.

nothing else matters, not in the big picture of things; just live each moment as it comes always being aware. awareness is the foundation of your path. you are being guided and that does not mean it will be easy or the path you wish for, but it is a path you will learn from. appreciate all in each given moment as it may be washed out from the path in an instant like a flash flood.

"Don’t get attached to moments. Good or bad, they all pass."
— Yasmin Mogahed

017

What factors affect how emotional we are

· Personality – By nature, some people are more enthusiastic, excitable and changeable. They may feel as if they’re on an emotional roller coaster ride with unexpected swings in the way they feel.
·  Family norms - Some families are chaotic and unpredictable. It seems like everything that happens to them is a crisis, there are outbursts of emotion, and feelings are intense. Other families are more stable - and they reward staying calm, controlling your emotions and thinking rationally.
· Cultural norms – These can vary widely and they define the norms for a country, culture or social group. For example, the Italians are known for being emotional. They are warm, affectionate, and show how the feel. In contrast, the British are uncomfortable with showing their emotions – and are known for having “a stiff upper lip”.   
· Early life experiences – If our main caregiver was sensitive to us and responded to our needs in an appropriate way then we’re likely to be on a more even keel. However, if our caregiver ignored us, or we picked up the message that a lot of fuss was needed to get a small response then we might have a tendency to over-react. Alternatively, we may have concluded that nothing makes a difference so put up barriers and hardly feel at all.
·  Negative life experience – If you’ve experienced a trauma that shattered your world you may expect the worst, and always be on edge. Alternatively, you may have buried your emotions as way of surviving and now it’s hard for you to feel anything.

016;

Relaxation Techniques

The secret of dealing effectively with stress is learning how to take control of your mind:
1. Live in the present as much as you can – A lot of our thoughts are fearful, anxious thoughts – worries about what’s going to happen next, and what could go wrong, and what that means for us But concerns about the future only makes us feel much worse – they doesn’t influence the outcome of events. So, focus on the present and what you’re doing now.
2. Take control of your environment – Our home and work environment affect the way we feel. For example, if everything is messy it’s hard to relax as that subtly reminds us of all we need to do. That can, therefore, weigh us down and leave us feeling tired and drained. We don’t know where to start as we feel so overwhelmed. In contrast, fresh flowers, air fresheners, a light environment, and photos and pictures tend to make us feel relaxed, and help improve our mood and leave us feeling happier. 
3. Take up meditation – In meditation we actively quieten our mind, and seek to take control of that restless stream of thought that can stop us from experiencing true inner peace and calm.
4. Stop procrastinating – One of the most effective ways to deal with stress is to consciously prioritise the things you need to do – and then to work on the first item you’ve written on your list. That way, you’ll feel you’re making progress (and you’ll feel less guilty, too).
5. Don’t pay attention to what other people think – You can’t please everyone – and that is not your role. You need to be yourself, and to do what you think’s right, and to have your own opinions and your own points of view. Worrying about others, and what they think of you, will only wear you down (and it’s a moving target, too).
6. Make time for yourself – If you’re always available you’ll stress yourself out. You’re only one person and can’t do it all. You need some time for yourself when you can charge your batteries, and unwind, and replenish your energy reserves.
7. Sometimes a change is as good as a rest – If you’re stuck in a rut and keep doing the same things, so life comes boring and monotonous, you’ll start to feel frustrated and lose your zest for life. But trying something new can help restore your energy, and blow away the cobwebs that are settling on your mind.

015; free from desire.

Life is becoming like a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly. The caterpillar has set off on a journey and leaves it's tiny legs behind to cocoon itself a little home to grow and go forth in. The cocoon is a tempestuous place to be, with the pupa dealing with internal conflicts and battling against the storms from the outside as well as from within. It seems like a long and testing journey (when really in the bigger frame of things it is but a few grains of time) but soon the transformation occurs in gradual stages; often it feels to the pupa like it is growing but regressing and everything is constantly at a fast pace of change. Soon after the pupa evolves and becomes a beautiful little butterfly with magnificently delicate wings and a strong pride in itself. Everything surrounding the butterfly blossoms and blooms and everything is as amazing as that.

014.

Sexual Assault

1. Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is threatened, coerced, or forced to engage against their will, or any sexual touching of a person who has not consented.
2. Types of sexual assault include: rape, attempted rape, child sexual abuse (which includes asking or pressuring a child to engage in any kind of sexual activities, indecent exposure, showing children pornography, sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child’s genitals, viewing the child’s genitalia, or using a child to produce child pornography), elderly sexual abuse, sexual harassment, groping, and sexual domestic violence.
3. In most legal jurisdictions, sexual assault is considered to be a statutory offence (although precise definitions vary from one jurisdiction to another).
4. In almost all cases of sexual assault, victims experience profound long-term psychological effects. These can take the form of denial or rationalization, feelings of helplessness, an aversion to sex, anger, guilt, self-blame, self hatred, anxiety, fear, shame, recurring nightmares, flashbacks, depression, mood-swings, numbness, promiscuity, loneliness, a tendency to isolate oneself, and difficulty trusting oneself or other people.

013.

Please can I stop hurting myself?

I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

It's March now and the sun is out (or it's brighter for longer) and it's bitterly cold. I wish that the sun would penetrate my skin so that I could feel warmth and hope and love. I'm scared of feeling things, i'm scared of love though. I dislike my life but there's nothing I can do except mourn for the loss and emptiness of who I'm supposed to be. I can't wait until my life ends, I wouldn't mind an abrupt halt to my life. A nice, welcome surprise it would be. I've just got to hold on five whole days and then at least I am somewhere familiar.

012.

i have one month exactly and i feel sick, i have a heavy head and a heavy heart and i don't know what to do anymore. i wish i could feel okay with myself but i need love and others to get me there. sometimes life is too confusing and complicated. on the plus side, it's getting lighter outside (although the sun is deceiving) and i'm counting down days as if they don't really matter. talks of the future and cv's and people and life with pia, that was nice stuff. okay, i'm gonna try sleep early, help myself recover from this cold.

011.

i wish the snow would go away. wishing my life would go away. i can't ... just three whole months seems like an eternity right now. especially because it's all gotta get sorted and be kept together and be done and over with. ugh.

010.

this is the new year,

& i don't feel any different.