20; for M

hi mark, i'm sorry for any confusion i've caused, and it never was my intention to lead you on or anything because i'm pretty sure i said a couple of times that i'm not ready. before you ever contacted me i was more or less completely focused on myself, and healing. or improving. even if it was/is challenging. i never expected anything by the way. i was unintentionally using the site for fun, completely passively. it probably wasn't wise to keep talking to you knowing where i'm at but then it got to the point where i didn't want to not. yes, i want something eventually - and it was as if everything was telling me to just go with it right now this time because i rarely ever do. and the times that i have, i have learnt from which made it seem like a good idea. i was actually trying to slow things down though - since the past couple of weeks i think, but unsuccessfully!!! i've tried to be as open and honest as i can be, i guess i should have kept my conflicted feelings to myself for now but i also felt the need to be transparent about them too. i realise now how i was saying that i'm not prepared/ready yet but then i also asked you what you were doing to make plans to meet. maybe because i was anticipating the worst, that you'd move on without us ever having the chance to meet. because truthfully i do want to, and i think it will be a really good thing (i'm sure i've said that before too) and i just didn't want to miss that opportunity because i know i deserve to be happy despite what i've been told. it's nice to know you rly do/did want to meet. i have not come across anyone that makes me want to be the best i can be, not to this extent or as deeply. but then i have never been in this place before either. i was also thinking i'm ready and tried to make that opportuninty happen at one point before realising it's not a great idea to meet quite yet. because i was thinking meeting just to meet and meeting soon would be good. part of me also thinks that even if i'm not ready i should do it anyway because i want to. i'm not all over the place as i may seem, i know what i want it's just i'm not quite able to have it ???yet
i'm just in the process of sorting myself out though. and it does take time, as you've even said. even though i've come a long way it's like i really don't know how long it will take till i am ready - that really frustrates and annoys me. today in fact, i started crying when i was practising mindfulness meditation/visualisation which has never happened before. so i'm not even sure whether i'm moving forwards, whether it's a good or bad thing or not.

i hope that has helped. hope to hear from you soon, though i'm pretty sure i've messed it up. and it's understandable if not - i hope you find what you're looking for :) x