009.

and i found this:

castle is my hero.

he says he is inspired by neil gaiman. more reason to love him :3

008.

i can't believe myself.
i hate myself.
i haven't changed.

007.

Just random things I need to get done before the holidays:

1) Copy (x2) council tax form & send npower letter - buy envelope and stamp.
2) Tony Colombo/Graham?
2a) OR send Tony an email
3) Cleaning/Packing/Sorting out fake stuff in fridge/freezer to keep my space
3) Draft council tax letter & send? **** NEED TO GET ANOTHER STUDENT CERTIFICATE****
4) Find chequebook
5) Take my name off water bill
6) Find out bills from Eddy - broadband I would like to be included... £5 or £10 a month
7) Sort out Virgin Media cancellation?

Dissertation advice:

Get as many p's as I can (200 isn't ambitious, or rather he told me to be ambitious disregarding what the reviewer said!)
2x2 mixed anova (males x males perception, males x females perception; females x males perception and females x females perception)
Give them the NPI (non clinical version) 1st and then give generalised q's about narcissism in social networking
uniformed likert scale questionnaire (5 point)
do your m friends...
do your f friends...

Council tax letter:

I have had to move from my last shared property
this is my new address
other two tenant remain in that property

ask letting agent
who moved in first & whos name is on the bills as eddy asked and no one knows
council tax exemption - they don't seem to be worried/ to be bothered about it.
check if they've filled them in ... not telling me
ask landlord who's name was put on the bill not forthcoming with info

006;

can i just say...
luke and natalie?! when did that happen?!
omgz.
i used to have a crush on luke :(

005.

I am done with everyone and everything. I am done with everyone and everything. I am done with everyone and everything.


Go away.
Leave me alone.

004.

I am not okay. I have been craving pizza since this afternoon and i'm staring at a Domino's menu and it looks so tempting and I want to order and stuff my face because it might make me feel better, even though i've eaten an actual healthy meal already. I think I'm probably going to cave tomorrow and have one, just got to get through the night. Night's are always the worst. I'm not okay really am I? Maybe I was just pretending, idk. Maybe that feeling wasn't real. Maybe I didn't feel okay at all, maybe I just made myself think that I was. I really don't want to lose the feeling, fuck.
Nothing changed, except hormones and pizza cravings. I don't get this and I hate it. Maybe it's because i'm sort of sleep deprived, or just tired, or it's the time of year or something. Idk, ugh :(

003.

Currently, I'm trying to stop myself thinking about food. Yesterday I had pizza and then the feelings of guilt came and I felt too full anyway and ugh. Today I've not eaten as much but I am so hungry now, but I need not be hungry because I ate like 4 hours ago. I think at least some of the stress has been lifted now, and hopefully issues won't get worse and maybe that's why I have more of an appetite. Earlier when I was satiated and the sun was shining and things were good, I felt a sense of calm and a slight ease that things might actually start working out for me. Although, my landlord completely takes the piss and grrrr, let's not even go there. It's just stupid.

Things to get done tomorrow or pretty soon after :
1) Laundry
2) Foooooooooood + household shopping (WHY am I thinking about food? Because I need food. Food is gay.)
3) Actually start on my disseration idea
4) READING, READING, READING
5) Notes and all that shizz
6) Make an appt. with John Williams on outlook... 'cause I have no idea on how to do that. (DROP IN SESSIONS ... alternative!)
7) N Power, council tax, British Gas homecare
8) Get money
9) Movie/shopping/Riley's etc.


Hmm, no idea why I even have a blog or write. Writing seems silly now. I haven't really written much in forever. But anyways,

x

002; you can't hide, you can't even run.

i'm trying, i'm trying; i swear i am trying. i haven't strung two sentences together in what feels like a lifetime. i hardly say anything to anyone, i keep away like a hideous beast watching belle. i can only tell you for some reason, but it never comes out right and i always screw everything up. i'm a fucking screw up, a waste of fucking space. i hate myself. i hate people. why can no one on this goddamn earth understand me? there are others feeling similar, but never the same. i hate 99.9% of people because no two people are exactly the same. even mz twins have their differences, if not through their genes. i want to locate a girl like me, she'd be my only friend. but i've never been a fan of wanting or needing anything in my entire life. i hate myself for needing. why does no one in my life understand i have an illness? albeit an invisible illness but would it really be better if i chopped off my limbs and became an amputee? i need someone. anyone. you. it'll always be you. except you hate me and you've left again; if not for 6 months then i don't know how long for. but i won't speak to anyone, i won't say a word to anyone but you if you ever come back. and i vow this from now onwards.

help me.

001.

       Castle gave a sideways glance at the coffee table before he left his lavish penthouse up on Barrow and Charlton in the restless cityscape of New York. It was just gone 5 am and a rude wake up call from his inspiring detective muse Beckett, had rendered him into a zombie-like state where upon the handsome and modestly built guy rushed to the crime scene in a flurry.